Chp1 - Men are from mars, Women are from Venus
-We mistakenly assume tt if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone.
-When men and women are able to respect & accept their diff, then love has a chance to blossom.
Notes: - taking additional effort for granted, thus lack of appreciation on both sides.
-for inexperience couples, they are unaware of their diff, thus fail to respect each others diff, eventually leading to fights/argument
Chp2 - Mr. Fix-It & the Home-Improvement Committee
- A man's sense of self is defined thru his ability to achieve results.
-To offer man unsolicited advice is to presume tt he doesnt know what to do or tt he cant do it on his own.
-A woman's sense of self is defined thru her feelings & e quality of her relationships.
-Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical & unloving she may sound to him.
-Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings abt her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.
2 common mistakes;
1. A man tries to change a woman's feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr.Fix-It & offering solutions to her problems tt invalidate her feelings.
2. A woman tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming e home-improvement committee & offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
-When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.
-A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as e solution to a problem rather than as e problem itself.
Notes: - misunderstanding caused by offering uneffective solutions to each other.
-mistakes in our timing or approach
-wrong timing to offer man unsolicited advice when he want to solve e problem on his own
-wrong approach to provide solutions to a woman when she just needs a listening ear.
-problems caused by not understanding e opposite sex.
Chp3 - Men go to their caves and women talk
-To feel better Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone.
-To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk abt their problems.
-A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself & being understood.
-To forget her own painful feelings a woman may become emotionally involved in e problems of others.
-Just as a man is fulfilled thru working out e intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled thru talking about e details of her problems.
Notes: - men prefer to be alone to think/solve problems
-women prefer to share their feelings & talk about their problems to feel relief/ in order to forget about it.
Chp4 - How to Motivate e opposite Sex
-Men are motivated & empowered when they feel needed, women are motivated & empowered when they feel cherished.
-Given e opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.
-Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
-A woman's tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers tt she is worthy of love- she doesnt have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and recieve more. She deserves it.
-When she wakes up & remembers her needs, he also wakes up & wants to give her more.
-A man's deepest fear is tt he is not good enough or tt he is incompetent.
-Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving.
-It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure.
Notes: -men should cherish woman
-women should allow man e opportunity to prove himself and show they need their men.
-important to support each other when one is feeling low instead of proving/ comparing/ disagree
Chp5 - Speaking Diff Languages
-The Martian & Venusian languages had e sames words, but e way they were used gave diff meanings.
-To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license to use various superlatives, metaphors and generalizations.
-The number one complaint women have in relationships is "I don't feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood by men!
-The biggest challenge for women is correctly interpret & support a man when he isnt talking.
-When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine e worst.
-Never go into a man's cave or you will be burned by the dragon!
-It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be pitied.
-A woman should not be judged for needing this reassurance, ( 4 magic word: I will be back) just as a man should not be judged for needing to withdraw.
Notes: - same words/ diff meaning
-men: silence, hates to be pitied, need to withdraw to his cave
-women : imagine e worst, feel unheard by men, need to talk , uses various indirect phrases tt most men misinterpret. need reassurance tt should not be judged.
-men need to say e 4 magic word: i will be back.
Chp6 - Men are like Rubber Bands
-When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.
-A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.
-To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner.
-The man grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away tt he will be back.
Notes: -need to pull away b4 he can get closer
-else, to a certain extent, loses himself
- grows to understand his own cycles & reassures her when he pulls away tt he will be back.
-need freedom/space (cave time)
Chp7 - Women are like Waves
-A woman's self-esteem rises and falls like a wave. When she hits bottom, it is a time for emotional housecleaning
-In relationships, men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
-Even when a man is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset.
-When negative feelings are suppressed, positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.
-Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.
-Warning signs for Men tt she may be going into her well or when she needs his love the most.
She feels She may say
Overwhelmed - there is so much to do
Insecure - i need more
Resentful - i do everything
Worried - but what about...
Confused - i dont understand why...
Exhausted - i cant do anything more
Hopeless - i dont know what to do
Passive - i dont care, do what you want
Demanding - you should...
Withholding - no, i dont want to...
Mistrustful - what do you mean by that?
Controlling - well, did you...?
Disapproving - how could you forget...?
-By supporting her need to be heard, she could support his need to be free.
-It puts too much pressure on a man to make him e only source of love and support.
-As a woman's financial needs are fulfilled she becomes more aware of her emotional needs.
-3 steps for supporting her when he needs to pull away.
1. accept your limitations
2. understand her pain
3. avoid arguing and give reassurance
Notes: - need to do emotional housecleaning
-fall in their ability to love themselves & others
-must not suppress negative feelings ( need to share), else positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies
- need e right to be upset and want understanding
-gives warning signs tt she may be going into her well or when she needs his love e most.
-as a woman's financial needs are fulfilled she becomes more aware of her emotional needs.
Chp8 - Discovering our diff Emotional Needs
The primary love needs of women & men.
Women need to receive Men need to receive
caring <----> trust
understanding <----> acceptance
respect <----> appreciation
devotion <----> admiration
validation <----> approval
reassurance <----> encouragement
-Fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able to fully receive & appreciate e other kinds of love.
-A man commonly makes e mistake of thinking tt once he has met all of a woman's primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, tt she should know from then on tt she is loved. ( reassure her again & again)
-The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him.
-The best way to help a man grow is to let go of trying to change him in any way.
Notes: - Man common mistake is : fail to give reassurance
- woman common mistake is : try to change/ improve a man
Chp9 - How to avoid arguments
-Just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be e most destructive element.
-Most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.
4 F's for avoiding hurt ( short-term gain) ; most destructive due to failure in communication
Fight (men) - make e other looks wrong, muscle his way out ; intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship, loses intimacy too.
Flight (men) (cold war) - go to cave
Fake ( woman) - in resentment
Fold (woman) ( give in , loses self)
-Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship.
-Men rarely say " i'm sorry" becos on mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing.
-Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman's feelings and she responds to him disapprovingly.
-The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings.
-1 critical pair of problems frm which arguments arise:
1. The man feels tt e woman disapproves of his point of view.
2. Or e woman disapproves of e way e man is talking to her.
Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset e woman they love.
Notes: - problems causing argument ;
-men: refuse to admit wrong or say sorry
-invalidate a women's feelings and she respond to him disapprovingly
-feels tt e woman disapprove of his point of view - thus e woman disapprove e way e man is talking to her
-most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset e woman they love
Chp10 - Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex
-When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value.
-Most men strive for greater and greater success becos they believe it will make them worthy of love.
-5 major reasons a man stops giving:
1. Martians idealize fairness
-for men: remember tt for a woman, big things & little things score one point. All gifts of love are equal and equally needed-big & small. To avoid creating resentment, practice doing some of the little things tt make a big diff. Do not expect a woman to be satisfied unless she gets an abundance of little expressions of love as well as e big.
2. Venusians Idealize Unconditional love.
-for men: remember tt when a woman gives with a smile on her face, it doesnt necessarily mean e score is close to even.
3. Martians give when they are asked.
-for men: remember tt a woman instinctively does not ask for support when she wants it. Instead, she expects you to offer it if you love her. Practice offering to support her in little ways.
4. Venusians say Yes even when e score is uneven.
-for men: remember tt if she says yes to ur requests, it doesnt mean e score is even. The score may be twenty to zero in her mind & she will still happily say Yes/Ok. Agreeing to doing what you want doesnt mean tt it is what she wants. Ask her what she wants to do. Collect info abt what she likes, then offer to take her to those places.
5. Martians give Penalty Points.
-for men: remember tt penalty points are not fair & do not work. At moments when you feel unloved, offended, hurt, forgive her & remember all e good she has given rather than penalize her negating it all. Instead of punishing her, ask her for e support you want, and she will give it. Respectfully let her know she has hurt you. Let her know how she has hurt you and then give her an opportunity to apologize. Punishment does not work! You will feel much better by giving her a chance to give you what you need. Remember she is a Venusian - she doesnt know what you need or how she hurts you.
- Certainly a man also requires equal participation from a woman in doing e domestic duties of day to day life, but if he is not appreciated, then her contribution is nearly meaningless and completely unimportant to him.
-If a man has made a mistake and feels embarrassed, sorry, or ashamed, then he needs her love more...The bigger the mistake, the more points he gives.
-When a man is in a negative state, treat him like a passing tornado and lie low.
Chp11 - How to communicate difficult feelings
-Whether you share e feelings in your letter or you just write a letter to feel better, writing down your feelings is an essential tool.
Love letter technique; - a way to love urself
1. Write a love letter expressing ur feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love.
2. Write a response letter expression what you want to hear from ur partner.
3. Share your love letter and response letter with ur partner.
-Response letters are e best way to teach a man about a woman's needs.
-Ironically, e very act of avoiding our negative emotions gives them e power to control our lives.
-Books can inspire you to love urself more, but by listenly to, writing out, or verbally expressing ur feelings u r actually doing it.
-To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well.
-When u take e time to listen to ur feelings, u r in effect saying to e little feeling person inside "you matter. u deserve to be heard and i care enough to listen"
Chp12 - How to ask for support and get it
-On venus their motto is " love is never having to ask!"
-If a woman is not asking for support, a man assumes he is giving enough.
3steps: ask correctly & getting what you want.
1. Practice asking correctly for what you're already getting
2. Practice asking for more, even when you know he will say no, and accept his no
3. Practice assertive asking
Step1:
-When a man hears a demanding tone, no matter how nicely you phrase ur request, all he hears is tt he is not giving enough. His tendency is then to give less until you appreciate what he is already giving.
Tips for motivating a Man.
1. Appropriate Timing
2. Non-demanding attitude, be brief ( assume he doesnt have to be convinced ) , be direct, and use correct wording.
-When asking a man for support, assume tt he doesnt have to be convinced.
-"could you" sounds like a demand, not a request to man. and he dont feel appreciated. (feels like being controlled)
-"would you" sounds like a request and a chance to be e good guy. ( feels like " im being trusted to serve" )
-The "c" words sounds too untrusting, indirect, weak, and manipulative, taken for granted.
use "would you please/mind...?"
Step2: Practice asking for more
-Men are much more willing to say yes if they have e freedom to say no.
-When you ask a man for support & you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember tt, and next time he will be much more willing to give.
Step3: Practice Assertive asking. (self-assured/confident)
-When a man grumbles it is a good sign- he is trying to consider ur request versus his needs.
-One of e key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support.
Chp13 - Keeping e magic of love alive
-It is a paradox: becos you feel safe with ur partner, ur deepest fears have a chance to surface.
When they surface you become afraid and are unable to share what you feel.
-Notes: learning points:
- reassurance is the most important for woman becos they are like waves
-men need to stop giving solutions & start listening
-woman should use e correct words when come to "questioning " their man, esp when they are tired/ in bad mood after a day of work, they might need space to go into their caves.
-ask for support e correct way, accept who he is & appreciate what he do & approve his decisions
-when his down at his lowest, give encouragement
- men should be more thoughtful, in doing more things for her, instead of just fulfilling her in e financial area, or become too busy with work/ over focus in work accomplishment which may cuase her to feel unlove/ neglected/
-love brings up our unresolved feelings.
-90/10 principle: 90% -> past , 10% -> present
-Seasons of love ;
1. spring time - honeymoon period
2. summer - show diff ( compromise)
3. autumn - overcome obstacle -> love grows stronger
4. winter - both need some time/ space alone
No comments:
Post a Comment